Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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