If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
