My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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