i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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