Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize