After last night, I could never be a politician.
my shit smells like andre
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
