I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
