I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
