I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
