I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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