Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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