ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
