my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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