I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
