I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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