We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
