How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize