he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
