i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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