I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
