Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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