apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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