im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
