I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
