My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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