Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
