I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize