I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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