Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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