I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
