hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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