I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
