I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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