I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
