franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
