i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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