Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
