Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
