I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
