Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
