do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
