the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
BRING THE BAGELS
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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