you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
