it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
