How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
