sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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