Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
