If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
