this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
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