He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
