i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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