Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
