that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
