Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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