only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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