A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
